Crazy Christmas Brain

Leave a comment December 22, 2016 tarakayeclarke

Christmas time is an expensive time of year. It is worse now that I am a casual teacher. Christmas = no school = no income = need to be savvy. Christmas does not equal savvy

Now, I like to think of myself as a sensible spender (majority of the time). This means I tend to remember that although I really want that dress/gadget/accessory, the money should probably go towards my phone bill/day-care fees/groceries. I have goals and those goals mean I need to save my pennies.

But at Christmas time, something happens to my brain. It splits into two equal but juxtaposing halves, that are constantly at war with each other. It happens every year.

One part of my brain says “Now Tara, remember, you have set a strict budget for what we can and cannot spend on gifts for the family. Stick to it”. She is calm, collected and wears things like fitted pant suits and tight buns in her hair.

The other part, well, she isa little loopy. She has wild, unwashed hair and is red around the eyes from too much coffee. She tends to scream “SPEND ALL THE MONEY ON ALL THE PRESENTS BECAUSE YOUR FAMILY IS AMAZING AND YOU LOVE THEM AND WANT TO SPOIL THEM ALL.”. It takes a lot of effort to calm her down and get her to abandon the trolley she spent an hour filling up.

I tend to like the later half better, because she is fun and shakes from too much caffeine but you know, the first half has some good, responsible points.

In all seriousness, I go through this every year. I would nothing more than to create a mountain of presents for the kids in front of the Christmas tree but I also know that it isn’t teaching them anything. I also know that those toys will end up in the dirt, pool, covered in dog poop or bits will come off and disappear into the abyss (under the couch). But as a mum, I love my kids and I become over whelmed with wanting to provide them with everything and would do anything to make them happy.

But like every year, as I come to the end of the christmas present buying period, I have reflected on my gift buying for the festive season. I survey my pile of presents and have realised crazy christmas lady was patient this year. She was smart in her approach and outdid herself. How she tricks Miss-Trunchbull into letting me spend that much I will never know. She is crafty I will give her that. Miss-Trunchbull will have to fill pick up the pieces in the new year, as I am exhausted from keeping them from tearing each others eyes out.

Where the egg-nog at?

If only I was skilled at photoshop… I would substitute these cats for presents and Flanders would be my fiance. You get the picture though right?

 

 

What Is Your Mum Fantasy?

Leave a comment December 12, 2016 tarakayeclarke

I watched Bad Moms last night and there was a scene where the three main characters were seated at the bar. They were drinking and discussing their mum fantasy – their dream for a perfect day that had nothing to do with being a mum.

And it got me thinking – what is my mum fantasy?

So many ideas popped into my mind – whole days spent in bed not moving an inch, sitting in a pool with a cocktail, sitting in a hammock surrounded by donuts that are all within arms reach. So many possibilities. But what is my ultimate mum fantasy.

And I have finally decided…

It would be a cool rainy day making it darker than usual in the morning. I would wake any time after the hour of 7 am. I would lie in bed looking at my phone until I decided to get out of bed. The house would be completely empty – no dogs, no fiancé and no kids. There would be a deliciously hot latte waiting for me next to a plate of bacon, eggs, haloumi and sourdough toast. I would eat this while reading a magazine or newspaper… or both if I am feeling dangerous. I would then have a long hot shower. I might even sit down for a little bit. I would then slowly get dressed, trying on multiple outfits until I was happy with what I was wearing.

I would then jump into my car and head to Westfield. I would put my extremely lightweight handbag over my shoulder and stride into the air-conditioned centre. I would find a nice coffee shop and enjoy another coffee and a little pastry because in my fantasy, there is no such thing as a mummy tummy. I would sit there until I felt like I was ready to get up – no screaming kids determining when I should leave my half-drunk coffee. When I was ready, I would simply rise from my seat and walk.No picking up random bits of food off the floor or wiping down goodbers off the table. Just rise, and walk. Bliss!

I would then go to Seed. I would spend as long as I liked in the change room making sure I chose coordinated pieces. I would choose accessories, bags and shoes. I would then put the purchases on my never ending debit card. I would then head to a massage parlour and get a head massage, followed by a manicure and pedicure at the nearest nail salon. I would then stroll slowly to the cinemas, chose the cheesiest chick flick, pick my gold class seat and then go on to buy a large popcorn, a pink slurpee and a family size packet of maltesers (no mummy tummy remember!).I would watch the movie from start to finish and not move the entire length of the film.

Shortly after the movie finishes, I would go to sushi train, say ‘table for one’ and slot into a seat straight away – no wait time. I would then take my seed purchases and go to the car. I would drive home blaring my expletive song choices. I would then walk into the house, my clothes would miraculously have hung themselves and a bath, with all my favourite Lush products, would already be filled and waiting for me. I would sit in it for close to an hour reading an Alex Cross novel. I would then hop out, get dressed in my pajamas and eat pad thai on the couch watching Criminal Minds episodes back to back. I might also eat some Nutella straight-out-the-tub. Who am I kidding? I would definitely eat Nutella straight out the tub.

I would then go to sleep whilst the cleaning fairies did my chose. I wouldn’t wake until the following morning. No interruptions-no waking to babes or snoring or dogs needing to pee. Just a good old teenage-tara sleep.

Would love to hear your mum fantasy

 

Bad mum: Round 2

5 Comments November 11, 2014 tarakayeclarke

So last night, I was changing Archer after his bath. Whilst I was changing him, I had a peek inside his mouth. He had been grumpy all afternoon so I put it down to a new tooth and I was right – a brand new tooth had shot through up the top.

I was so excited so I called in The Phantom.

“Come here and see this!” I yelled.

As the Phantom reached the door, I turned around to greet him.

In that moment, The Phantom screamed my name.

As I turned my head, I saw what deserved his urgent scream – Archer was mid fall off the change table and was heading quickly to the ground.

I was so shocked I didn’t move at all. Rather, I chose to stand their like a stunned fish with my mouth hanging open. In the meantime The Phantom, or should I say The Flash, had darted across the room in an attempt to catch our naked, falling, 11 month old son before he hit the ground. Sadly, although he was quick, he was not quick enough.

Tears and screams ensued, and daddy quickly picked him up, cuddled and shooshed him until he was calm. Hero.

Meanwhile, I was still standing shocked and stunned. I gave Archer a little kiss and apologised profusely.

I left that room feeling like a sack of doo-doo.

How could I have not held him in place as I turned around? How could I have taken my eyes off him in that moment? Usually, I watch Archer like a hawk on the change table. Last night I did not. And being the adventurous little soldier he is, he tried to escape and evade when the moment presented itself.

I think my ‘bad mum’ status should be upgraded to ‘worst mum EVER’.

#badmum

2 Comments October 29, 2014 tarakayeclarke

After swimming lessons on Monday I had to do a bit of grocery shopping. I had a coffee after the lesson and waited for Archer to fall asleep in the pram before setting off into the stores. I purchased quite a few bags of things so I had to hang the bags off the stroller so I could cart everything to the car.

After spending too much at the organic grocer, Archer was awake but relaxed in his stroller so I decided to head to the car. With both my arms weighed down by bags, and the fact that the keys were in my bag hanging behind all the other bags on the stroller, I was in a bit of a pickle. I decided that I needed at least one free hand to get the keys out of the bag and open the car doors. To free my hand I needed to hang an extra two bags on the stroller – which is exactly what I did.

I guess the weight was perfectly balanced BEFORE I put those extra two bags on the stroller because when I added the extra weight the stroller, and my relaxed little baby, fell straight back in the stroller. Literally fell flat backwards.

There was this split second before Archer had worked out what had happened, where I stood with my mouth open completely mortified. Once the initial shock had worn off, Archer started screaming and I was at the point where I had to drop the remaining bags on my wrist in a hurry, maneuver around the pram, unbuckle Archer and pull him out. In between shh’s and it’s going to be okay’s, I looked around at the mess then at any by standers who may have witnessed. I locked eyes with a man who saw the whole thing yet still watched as I struggled to find my keys in my bag trapped under the now fallen soldier. I usually decline strangers help (pride) but right then and there I would have loved that man to come over and offer some assistance

Anyway, I managed to pack the car one handed and turn the aircon on when it came to put Archer in the car. By then he had calmed down. When I was strapping him in, of course I manage to pinch his tummy skin in the buckle. OF COURSE. Which set him off crying again. I pulled him out of the car seat, pulled the door closed and cuddled him in the semi cooled down car. HONESTLY. After a lot more shh’s and it’s okay’s I was able to buckle him in calmly with the help of a teething rusk. I folded up the pram, put it in the car and finally drove out of the carpark. I drove away thinking “how could I not consider the logistics of baby weight v grocery weight” and “What a bad mum”

P.s. That all happened in 36 degree heat