The Horror!

Leave a comment March 28, 2017 tarakayeclarke

There have been a lot of movies over the course of time, that have starred children. Sometimes the kids are used in these movies to send chills down your spine such as the twins in The Shinning (1980) and Children of the Corn (1984). Sometimes these kid characters are there to act as homes for evil spirits such as those in The Exorcist and The Omen. These are the movies where you kind of feel sorry for the children, even if they did murder their dog. However, other times these kids play a detrimental role in the movie. Their aim is to hurt, trap or kill the adult cast. The Orphan (2009), Hard Candy (2005) and Insidious (2010) spring to my mind when I think about how truly disturbing kids have the potential to be.

After watching these movies and considering those characters, I look at my own children and think “But how could they ever do such a thing?” whilst tilting my head to the side with a “I’m so blessed” expression plastered on my face. Because children are inherently innocent, inquisitive and beautiful creatures. Right?

If you read that and sweetly nodded your head, then you have never been woken up in the wee hours of the morning by a toddler standing quietly and patiently an inch from your face.

Because this has been happening to me for a few months now (sporadically, which makes it worse) and I can completely understand why horror filmmakers choose children as the stories antihero. Have you seen what a child looks like at 3 in the morning, quietly standing there with their dummy in their mouth, ‘blanky’ hanging from their hands and only the soft sounds of their breath filtering through the room. The way the tiny amount of light floating in from somewhere else in the house only highlights a small fraction of their facial features, making their eyes dark and their mouth appear in an evil smirk. It is positively demonic.

The amount of times I have woken completely startled to the point of panic because my son is standing mere centimetres away from me as I sleep is getting out of control. How long was he standing there? What sinister thoughts is he thinking as I lay there completely unaware of his intentions? Does he want to murder me? He could pick up the axe that is next to the bed (burglars beware), open it up and bring it down on my skull and I would have no chance of survival.

Because who the heck knows what is going through a child’s mind right?!? Ill be giving A extra biscuits tonight so I don’t wake up with an amputated appendage…

When Parenting Has You Beat

Leave a comment March 22, 2017 tarakayeclarke

I have been put under the parenting pump recently. The kids are at the age (3 and 20 months) that result in me barely sitting down, rarely getting a hot shower by myself or being able to stop – even for one second. Every moment they are awake is devoted to keeping them happy, fed, entertained and most importantly, alive. That leaves very little time for me, myself and I. So when I have some ‘me’ time, I take it very seriously.

Before I continue, I should state that I am a big advocate of forcing oneself to have some ‘me’ time, especially when said person’s day is full and busy. It has taken practice, but I give myself at least 30 minutes to an hour a day (whether in one hit or in little intervals) where I do something for myself. Not for the kids, dogs or the house – just me. This ensures I am feeding my soul or simply keeping my mind from exploding from the stress of life.

I have included a list of things I choose to do in my time. I recommend each and every one of them but that’s just me. Find something for yourself.

1. Take a bath

I do this one either when it’s just Flynn and I at home and he has a nap, or after the kids go to sleep. I light a candle, put something LUSH in the water and get out my book (but more on reading later). Sometimes I take a red wine or a herbal tea, depending on how stressful the day is. The idea of taking a bath actually seems like a lot of effort at times, but every time I have one, I regret not doing it every night.

Some of the products I use in the bath include:

Bathbombs (this one is my favourite)

Magnesium Salt Flakes (This is brand I use)

Lavender Oil (Try this one)

If you don’t have a bath, I recommend some of these shower products to make it a little more relaxing:

Life’s a Beach Scrub

FRANK Scrub

2. Sit outside without technology

This one I tend to do when it is raining. I have an old school swinging lounge on my patio, which I force myself to sit on for 10-15 minutes when the kids go to bed. I have always found the rain calming, so this one is an easy option for me. Even on a nice evening, sitting outside in the fresh air helps unwind and calm your mind. Especially with the soft swinging of a lounge chair. I tend to do this 2-3 times a week. Its an easy unwinder for me.

3. Take care of your skin

I have found being consistent with my skin care ritual makes me feel that everyday, I am doing something for me. At night I ensure I cleanse, (exfoliate when its time), put on a serum, face oil and moisturiser. Every week or two I also do a mask (I recommend this LUSH mask or if you are feeling extra dull, go for this Mecca mask). I think with my days being full of nappy changes, trucks, diggers, dirt and super heroes, ensuring I dedicate some time to my skincare every night allows some femininity to seep back into my day. I feel good about myself and its also calming to focus some time on something that is just for me and no one else.

If you are interested, my favourite skincare is by far Go To Skincare – I have been using it since 2014 and can’t fault it.

4. Read

I am an avid reader. I love reading and although I tend to favour crime/psychological thrillers, I have recently expanded my horizons and have been dabbling in all genres – which only makes me a more passionate reader. Regardless of how tired I am, I always dedicate time to read before I fall asleep and if I am really into a book, I make sure I only spend a small amount of time in front of the TV before forcing myself to put away all technology and read.

Reading really forces to me to take some time away from my day and enter the life of the character. If the book is interest enough,  with my face in a book, I don’t have room to worry about my day or To Do list.

These are my current recommendations if you are looking for a new book.

Reader, I married him – collection of short stories inspired by Jane Eyre

Brain on Fire – This is Susannah Cahalan’s recount of the time she went ‘insane’. A reporter by trade, she uses her parents recounts, her medical documents and video footage to write about her experience. Amazing read.

Modern Lovers – about friends/bandmates from college, their relationships and grown up lives. Really well written and I loved every page.

Eileen – follows the life of Eileen who is a little bit strange, a little bit funny and a little bit troubled. I love Ottessa Moshfegh and this was a winner.

H is for Hawk – about a girl dealing with her grief after her fathers death. She becomes obsessed with raising a goshawk. You need to concentrate for this one but it is fascinating and worth your time.

Along Came A Spider – James Patterson’s character Alex Cross is my favourite. Every book is amazing and leaves me wanting to read another book. This is a series and I um currently up to book 8. If you love crime, the Alex Cross series is mint.

5. Unwind with some TV

TV is the easiest tool for unwinding. You don’t need much brain power to watch a show. My favourite shows at the moment are Ballers, Ray Donovan, The Good Wife and Iron Fist. I also love Bones, Criminal Minds and The Knick. My secret obsession? The X-Files if you love a bit of Sci-Fi.  I simply put my kids to bed, eat my dinner, lay down, let my face and brain relax and let the TV do the thinking for me.

6. Colour in

I am surprisingly still colouring in even though the fad has faded. I have always enjoyed drawing, writing and colouring so this one is an easy choice for me. I use this if I am really stressed/worried/anxious about something. Colouring requires my full attention as I am terrible at staying within the lines therefore there is no room left for outside noise. Although I love Johanna Basford, my favourite colouring book is the Harry Potter Colouring Book.

7. Circuits

Although you might roll your eyes at this one, I have started to use exercise circuits as a ‘me time’ activity. Since getting to the gym is impossible for me at the moment, I have had to resort to doing circuits at home if I don’t want to go backwards in my fitness.

I have previously done Kayla Itsine’s workouts, but I found that my motivation to stick to her workouts fading over the weeks. My solution? I cut it in half. I do 2 x 7 minutes (instead of 4 x 7 minutes) workouts based on her circuits. I found it easier to rap my head around and I am more likely to complete them since I do them after the kids go to bed. I do them 3-4 times a week and so far I haven’t missed a circuit.

I find doing them later in the afternoon means I make better choices for dinner and post-dinner snacks. I also use them to justify having that glass of wine or that bit of chocolate i have across the course of the week.

If you don’t have access to Kayla, I recommend @bubs2bikinis on instagram – Anna does some amazing at home circuits that last between 15-30 minutes. So no excuses. Your physical health is closely linked to mental health, so give it a go.

 

So, give one of these a go. You will feel good giving yourself a treat and a break.

A Son, His Mother and Her Yawn.

Leave a comment February 27, 2017 tarakayeclarke

I was sitting at a cafe, sans children, when a mother and her son sat at the table directly in front of me.They were chatting about a library book the boy was holding and he was energetically telling his mother something about space shuttles. I looked up briefly from the book I was reading to get a better look at both of them. In that moment, I caught the mum mid yawn.

It wasn’t your average yawn – it was a lengthy eye rubbing “I-am-so-bloody-tired-I-don’t-know-what-being-normal-feels-like-any-more” type yawn. And it was only 915 am. During the length of the mums yawn, her son continued talking,  saying “mum, mum, look, mum” over and over. As soon as the mum finished her yawn, stretched out her face and had what I am sure was a quick mental reflection as to why she was so exhausted, she swiftly answered her son and they went on discussing the book. Just like that. She could spare no more minutes thinking about how she was feeling – it was mum time.

I felt like getting up out of my seat, hugging her and saying ‘I feel you’.

Adulthood, let a lone motherhood, is tiring. There is always so much to do and think about.

You have bills and exercise to start. Am I eating the right foods? Are my kids eating the right foods? Am I teaching them the right things? My car due for a service. Am I dedicating enough time to my job? Am I dedicating enough time to my children? How is the status of my relationship. The dogs need to be walked, the grocery shop needs to be done, those clothes need to be dropped off at Salvos. Have you seen the dust on all my home’s surfaces? My dog is limping – book an appointment with the vet.

It is a never ending list and most of the time it plays on loop in my mind over and over again.

What surprises me however, is my ability to somehow keep on top of all those things and keep two small humans alive and thriving. Although I do admit to loosing a few of the ‘to-do’ items somewhere in the mess of my busy mind, most of the time I am in awe of we do it.

Albeit I would love to do all those things on my list better, I am still pretty chuffed with our ability to do life each and every single day. And I am thankful for my physical health each day in being able to do each day as it comes.Dealing with your own emotional wellbeing, the never ending to-do list all whilst managing your home and family, is no easy feat. So bravo to you (and me) for getting things done.

In saying this, parent or not, it is nice to reward yourself from time to time. So my next post? All about how to save our sanity in this busy life of ours.

x

 

 

 

Very Near and Very Distant

Leave a comment February 24, 2017 tarakayeclarke

It is all very near and very distant

I read this the other day and thought it adequately summed up my experience with motherhood.

 

I remember the moment I went into labour with Archer. I woke up from my sleep around 4 in the morning with the startling realisation of “This is it”. A mere 16 or so hours later, out came little Archer.

 

Flynn’s labour was eerily similar. I woke up at 330 (on the morning of my birthday) to bad cramp like pains. But this time, I knew straight away what was happening. Before heading into the labour ward, I distinctly remember finding myself walking the aisles of Woolworths around the corner from the hospital looking for snacks to take with me. I would make it halfway down each aisle, contract, then walk the rest of the aisle before contracting again. I then thought it would be nice to get a coffee at the Coffee Club, where I spent the time wriggling around uncomfortably on the pleather couch trying to cope with the intermittent pains.

 

After giving birth to Archer, I remember finally being alone in the room with him. He was in the clear bassinet staring straight at me and me back at him. I remember thinking to myself “Pregnancy ends with a real life baby?!? How did I not know this”.

 

What I remember even more distinctly, is how I felt in the weeks after giving birth to both boys. I remember feeling anxious, trapped, scared, emotional and tired. I remember my struggle with the guilt with turning to formula for Archer and the many late nights and early morning breastfeeds with Flynn as my nipples struggled to stay attached to my sore and swollen boobs. I felt overwhelmed. I remember when each babe reached a month old, I felt better adjusted and was brave enough to leave the house. I remember all of those feelings as if they were yesterday.

 

As I hold my children in the present day, what I don’t remember is the feel of their small 50-ish cm bodies curled into my chest. I don’t remember the smell of their newborn hair or the sound of their cries. I don’t remember the sound of Flynn’s floppy larynx that kept me awake as he slept or the coos they made when they were happy. Now, during a rare embrace, I look down at Archers long legs and think ‘When did he grow so big?’. I listen to Flynn ask me “where’s nanna and pa?” and think ‘When did you learn to talk?’.

 

Being a parent is an even mix of wishing the harder days to end and in the next breath wondering where the time went. There is huge difference between the difficult moments and the good times. People aren’t lying when they say that being a mother is the hardest job you will ever have. And sometimes it isn’t for the reasons you think.

 

You seem to hold on tighter to those moments where you feel less than adequate or guilty for not doing a good enough job and never give yourself enough praise for when you really are surpassing all expectations you ever held for yourself as a parent. You spend too much time kicking yourself for the things you may have done ‘wrong’ and not enough time looking at your thriving kids and say ‘yep, I’m an awesome mum’.

 

Overall it is a weird sensation watching your kids grow. Now that my boys are 3 and 18 months, I can no longer say I have a toddler and a baby. Somewhere along the way my children grew from babies to toddlers to boys. It feels like only yesterday I was staring at my first born through the transparent bassinet and now he is a robust 3 year old boy who is currently in the ‘thinking’ chair for not following my instructions. When did they grow from blobs to intelligent and independent kids? As the time has passed, the harder times I have experienced have faded from memory and I feel myself yearning for them to stay lovingly dependent on me forever. But I know this won’t happen. I am sure that mothers both young and old will nod their head when I say this, but motherhood completely defines the saying ‘the days are long and the years are short’.

 

So what should you do? Enjoy every moment with your children as they grow and give yourself a break – you are doing a great job.

Why Can’t We Talk Like ‘Ty’

Leave a comment January 18, 2017 tarakayeclarke

Ty Dolla Sign is one of my secret indulgences. His song ‘Wavy’ is among other similar types of music I like to listen to while I am exercising. R & B and Hip Hop are my jam’s.

As I was walking my dogs the other night in this horrendous heat wave, I actually listened to the lyrics of the song. I have honestly heard this song about 20 different times and never actually listened to what Ty was saying. The verse in particular that got me thinking was:

I’m so wavy, I’m so wavy, all these b*tches wanna have my babies
I’m so handsome, I’m so ballin’, must be why all my ex’s calling

And it struck me like a taxi who didn’t see me stumbling off the side-walk – why don’t I talk to myself like that!? WHY DON’T MOTHERS AND WOMEN TALK TO THEMSELVES LIKE THAT?!

What a great form of positive self talk and reinforcement. Although I probably wouldn’t use such language and I wouldn’t say exactly those things, the principal would be the same. Why don’t I tell myself how awesome I really am? Why don’t I focus on the positive things I do rather than listing the things I don’t have.  You don’t hear Ty talking about his untoned stomach or wonky nose do you? You don’t hear him mentioning the fact that he might have a big bum or wish he was more like jay-z.

He owns himself and is talking up the things that make him feel good. And we should all do the same. We owe it to ourselves and our kids to remember the positives.

If this song was reflective of my own situation, It would probably go a bit like this:

I’m so ‘mazing, I’m so ‘mazing, my babies love me like crazy, 

I’m so patient, I’m so trustworthy, I love my hips even though they’re curvy. 

Although my lyric writing skills clearly need work, you get the point. With a lot of my mental focus going towards the fact that my fitness is not where it should be, I should also look at it that my body is a strong and resilient temple and who cares if my hips are curvy.

We all need to be a little bit more like Ty Dolla. Imagine the positive impact words and lyrics such as these would have on our mood if we rehearsed them as we brushed our teeth in the morning.

I dare you to come up with your own and repeat them to yourself. You are all amazing and deserve to be reminded

Crazy Christmas Brain

Leave a comment December 22, 2016 tarakayeclarke

Christmas time is an expensive time of year. It is worse now that I am a casual teacher. Christmas = no school = no income = need to be savvy. Christmas does not equal savvy

Now, I like to think of myself as a sensible spender (majority of the time). This means I tend to remember that although I really want that dress/gadget/accessory, the money should probably go towards my phone bill/day-care fees/groceries. I have goals and those goals mean I need to save my pennies.

But at Christmas time, something happens to my brain. It splits into two equal but juxtaposing halves, that are constantly at war with each other. It happens every year.

One part of my brain says “Now Tara, remember, you have set a strict budget for what we can and cannot spend on gifts for the family. Stick to it”. She is calm, collected and wears things like fitted pant suits and tight buns in her hair.

The other part, well, she isa little loopy. She has wild, unwashed hair and is red around the eyes from too much coffee. She tends to scream “SPEND ALL THE MONEY ON ALL THE PRESENTS BECAUSE YOUR FAMILY IS AMAZING AND YOU LOVE THEM AND WANT TO SPOIL THEM ALL.”. It takes a lot of effort to calm her down and get her to abandon the trolley she spent an hour filling up.

I tend to like the later half better, because she is fun and shakes from too much caffeine but you know, the first half has some good, responsible points.

In all seriousness, I go through this every year. I would nothing more than to create a mountain of presents for the kids in front of the Christmas tree but I also know that it isn’t teaching them anything. I also know that those toys will end up in the dirt, pool, covered in dog poop or bits will come off and disappear into the abyss (under the couch). But as a mum, I love my kids and I become over whelmed with wanting to provide them with everything and would do anything to make them happy.

But like every year, as I come to the end of the christmas present buying period, I have reflected on my gift buying for the festive season. I survey my pile of presents and have realised crazy christmas lady was patient this year. She was smart in her approach and outdid herself. How she tricks Miss-Trunchbull into letting me spend that much I will never know. She is crafty I will give her that. Miss-Trunchbull will have to fill pick up the pieces in the new year, as I am exhausted from keeping them from tearing each others eyes out.

Where the egg-nog at?

If only I was skilled at photoshop… I would substitute these cats for presents and Flanders would be my fiance. You get the picture though right?

 

 

What Is Your Mum Fantasy?

Leave a comment December 12, 2016 tarakayeclarke

I watched Bad Moms last night and there was a scene where the three main characters were seated at the bar. They were drinking and discussing their mum fantasy – their dream for a perfect day that had nothing to do with being a mum.

And it got me thinking – what is my mum fantasy?

So many ideas popped into my mind – whole days spent in bed not moving an inch, sitting in a pool with a cocktail, sitting in a hammock surrounded by donuts that are all within arms reach. So many possibilities. But what is my ultimate mum fantasy.

And I have finally decided…

It would be a cool rainy day making it darker than usual in the morning. I would wake any time after the hour of 7 am. I would lie in bed looking at my phone until I decided to get out of bed. The house would be completely empty – no dogs, no fiancé and no kids. There would be a deliciously hot latte waiting for me next to a plate of bacon, eggs, haloumi and sourdough toast. I would eat this while reading a magazine or newspaper… or both if I am feeling dangerous. I would then have a long hot shower. I might even sit down for a little bit. I would then slowly get dressed, trying on multiple outfits until I was happy with what I was wearing.

I would then jump into my car and head to Westfield. I would put my extremely lightweight handbag over my shoulder and stride into the air-conditioned centre. I would find a nice coffee shop and enjoy another coffee and a little pastry because in my fantasy, there is no such thing as a mummy tummy. I would sit there until I felt like I was ready to get up – no screaming kids determining when I should leave my half-drunk coffee. When I was ready, I would simply rise from my seat and walk.No picking up random bits of food off the floor or wiping down goodbers off the table. Just rise, and walk. Bliss!

I would then go to Seed. I would spend as long as I liked in the change room making sure I chose coordinated pieces. I would choose accessories, bags and shoes. I would then put the purchases on my never ending debit card. I would then head to a massage parlour and get a head massage, followed by a manicure and pedicure at the nearest nail salon. I would then stroll slowly to the cinemas, chose the cheesiest chick flick, pick my gold class seat and then go on to buy a large popcorn, a pink slurpee and a family size packet of maltesers (no mummy tummy remember!).I would watch the movie from start to finish and not move the entire length of the film.

Shortly after the movie finishes, I would go to sushi train, say ‘table for one’ and slot into a seat straight away – no wait time. I would then take my seed purchases and go to the car. I would drive home blaring my expletive song choices. I would then walk into the house, my clothes would miraculously have hung themselves and a bath, with all my favourite Lush products, would already be filled and waiting for me. I would sit in it for close to an hour reading an Alex Cross novel. I would then hop out, get dressed in my pajamas and eat pad thai on the couch watching Criminal Minds episodes back to back. I might also eat some Nutella straight-out-the-tub. Who am I kidding? I would definitely eat Nutella straight out the tub.

I would then go to sleep whilst the cleaning fairies did my chose. I wouldn’t wake until the following morning. No interruptions-no waking to babes or snoring or dogs needing to pee. Just a good old teenage-tara sleep.

Would love to hear your mum fantasy

 

Shopping Trolley, Murdered

Leave a comment December 8, 2016 tarakayeclarke

Going shopping with a child is always something that could go one of two ways – Good or Bad.

And this all depends on the mood of your baby and the length of your shop.

Going shopping with two children is a completely different ball game.

To have a successful shopping experience, you need both children to be

• In a good mood,
• Well fed,
• Well rested
• And the shopping trip needs to be exactly the right length to match their level of patience (This varies significantly from moment to moment).

If you do not have all of these ticked off, you can kiss your successful visit to the shops and your sanity, goodbye

I had one of these days last Friday.

We had come off a rough couple of days where my parenting and their moods were just not in sync. It is rare for both my children to be terrible at the same time but so far that week, they had both chipped away at my ability to cope and I was one brick away from being a falling Jenga tower.

I had put off the shop until the last minute and since we were already in the car on this particular morning, I was forced to take the opportunity to just get it down.

My first point of call after parking the car in the Aldi carpark was to get a trolley. I left both kids strapped in the car as I sprinted to grab a trolley and as I opened the door to grab Flynn, he was already crying. Not a good sign. I took his straps off and attempted to put him into the trolley’s seat. Not happening. He was gripping the sides with his feet and hands and locking his knees so that his legs so it became impossible to slide him into the seat. I quickly shoved him in the main section of the trolley and listened to him cry hysterically as I grabbed Archer out of the car.

Since Flynn was now crying in the trolley, I had lost my go-to threat of “Archer, If you are naughty, I will put you in the trolley’. How would I fit my food in the trolley if I had already filled it with two screaming children? Every item I attempted to put in would simple be picked up by the kids and thrown out.

Anyway, I started to sweat as I began the shop and I managed to tick three whole items off my grocery list before Flynn’s screaming got the better of me. I attempted to fix the situation. I was able to get him into the seat of the trolley purely because he had tired himself out from all the crying. This does little to fix the situation. As a matter of fact, I am pretty certain his crying increased a few decibels.

So off I went pushing the trolley and trying to get the shopping done as quickly as possible. When the crying turned to screeching, I made a beeline for the dairy section to get a yoghurt pouch – his favourite snack. Needless to say, of course it didn’t work. The screaming continued and I reached the point where I actually felt embarrassed. I rarely get there but I had hit a low point. I had no choice but to continue shopping because, as I said earlier, our food situation at home was getting desperate.

I continued on and eventually, after 10 more minutes of whinging, Flynn calmed down. He finally took interest in the yoghurt and was happily chatting away to me with the tears still dropping from his face. I literally looked at him and said “Are you trying to kill me?”

My next problem? With all my attention on Flynn, Archer had taken that as an opportunity to survey the aisles. I had to yell out to find out where he was (best mum award right here) and I found him looking intently at the few toys that were of course in Special Buys. I just thought – ‘today of all days!?!’ I love Aldi, I really do, but today I wanted to kick their Special Buys displays over, douse them in petrol and set them on fire.

Archer had picked up a Doc McStuffins medical kit and as I convinced him to get up off the floor where had been happily sitting, he began carrying it around with him. I had already decided to let him think there was a chance we would be buying the toy. I would deal with that meltdown later. I just need five minutes peace.

I was about 2/3 of the way through my shop now. I was filling a bag with bananas hwhen Archer came over to me, pulled up my top to expose my ever-so-sexy mummy tummy and declared “I need to check your tummy mum”, holding the doctor kit nice and high. At any other time it would have been cute. But right then, a middle aged man had copped a good look at what was suppose to be safely hidden underneath my singlet and I literally deflated a little. My jenga tower was swaying violently in that moment.

I quickly told Archer we were not getting the toy and of course, the screaming and yelling followed. He made a beeline for the front of the store and in that moment, I decided I didn’t care, and I quickly finished my shopping so we could leave.

I have never disliked the Aldi checkout system as much as I did in the last 15 minutes of that trip. I was stuck behind two full trolleys with Flynn who was suddenly aware the trolley had stopped and wanted out. Archer was hiding a few checkouts away and when he walked over to me, I could see he was chewing something. “OPEN YOUR MOUTH” I angry-whispered. I discovered he had found a kinder surprise, taken a big bite out of one and then put it back in its original spot. I spent ten minutes alternating between “Sit down Flynn! Put your leg back through the hoel” and “Archer, get back here. Don’t you dare touch those chocolates”.

When I finally left that store after having to unpack and repack the entire contents of my trolley (I WOULD HAVE PAYED AN EXTRA $100 FOR SOMEONE TO HAVE DONE IT FOR ME THAT DAY) and having to bribe Archer to come out from under the packing bench where he was lying on the floor, I gave a massive sigh of relief as I walked out the exit. I didn’t even realise I had been holding my breath.

Needless to say, I now realise that those cheap bottles of wine at the checkout? They are for those mums who suffer through their shops every week, just like me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Library

Leave a comment November 7, 2016 tarakayeclarke

Why I thought my children were ready to go to a library, I will never know. Call me optimistic, but I had visions of us huddled together on a comfy seat reading a book they picked out themselves. It would be quiet, relaxing and my children would be learning.

HA. HA. HA.

Firstly, it is so cute that I was naive enough to think ‘relaxing’ and ‘insert any type of outing with kids’ even go in the same sentence. Because kids never behave how you had hoped and now that mine both walk, they are without doubt always af completely different ends of wherever it is that I take them.
Firstly, tying in with this very ill-informed  idea of the library being relaxing, even if it were an option, there weren’t even any comfy seats in the whole library to which we could huddle together. Most were cranky leather futons with no back support. The other options were these weird red balancing-ball-death-traps that both Archer and Flynn fell off more than once. Watching them on these seats was like watching a drunk teenage girl walk in heels at the end of her 18th birthday party.
Secondly, quiet? WHAT PLANET WAS I ON WHEN I CONCIEVED THE IDEA THAT MY CHILDREN WOULD BE QUIET. Was it because my magical moment with the kids was set in a library? Because I should have known that the quieter the place, the louder my kids are. I apologize to those quiet HSC students who were pretending to study and those university goers attempting to fluff up their essays. My kids were loud. They were sprinting through the aisles of books, jumping off the crunchy futons and landing with loud thuds. There were self made ‘pew pew’ iron man noises as Archer fought off invisible villains and screams of delight as Flynn tried in vain to keep up as his brother ran off. I thought I had finally gotten through to Archer with my “shhh be quiet” when he began to whisper-yell, but this was short lived when Flynn lost his brains and wouldn’t stop yelling despite dummy intervention (which is inevitably where I drew our visit to a close).

Lastly, they were not even interested in looking at the books. I took the liberty of trying to get them excited by picking out an AMAZING dragon book. It was all about how to raise and rear a dragon. The illustrations were amazing and the writing was witty and fun. Flynn looked at it for a whole 2 seconds before slipping off the crusty leather and following Archer who didn’t even come within 5 meters of me as I sat there desparetly wanting them to engage in this magical library experience.
Maybe they were too young. Maybe it was because it was too hot. Or maybe it was because they both did a poo the moment we entered the place and essentially became feaces candles burning their essence in every inch of the library. Either way, the library visit will be put on hold for another 6 months. Maybe more. 
They didn’t have the book I wanted anyway… 

 

The First Vs. The Second Baby

Leave a comment October 13, 2016 tarakayeclarke

There are a lot of things I did as a first time mum that I kind of scoffed at when it came to baby number 2.

I was your typical first time mum. I pre-washed all baby clothes in sensitive washing liquid that I specifically purchased for ‘baby-only’ use. I had the nursery all done and everything I threw in my hospital bag was new and probably organic. I said no to the ‘evil dummy’ and I was having no drugs during pregnancy. I was to breastfeed according to World Health Organisation guidelines.

For 12 months I sterilised everything and anything that touched Archer’s mouth. I had multiple arguments with my partner when he simply shared a bottle, spoon or other utensil with him [**”Don’t you know he could contract Meningoccocal!!!”**]. I couldn’t go to a store without buying him a new toy or book and I changed his clothes multiple times in one day to ensure he was always clean. I stressed about him sleeping anywhere but his cot and would operate my day around his sleep routine. I used antibacterial wipes on shopping trolleys and scolded him for licking anything that wasn’t in our house (you would not believe how many inanimate objects appear tasty if you don’t know any better). I used Dr. Google too much which lead to way to many visits to the GP and I fed him only organic food for probably the first 7-8 months (one time my grocery bill was $350 because I refused to shop anywhere other than the organic grocer!)

I look back over this list and realise it isn’t even half of my very specific and sometimes pandantic first-time-mum decisions. Of course a lot of my pre-pregnancy plans changed when Archer came along (especially the breastfeeding and washing baby clothes with organic sensitive laundry liquid… oh and the drugs thing. Just give me all the epidural). But looking back, I didn’t even consider an alternative. If there is one thing I have learnt, it is that you cannot tell a new mum (especially a first time one), how to mother, even if the things she is doing are wayyyy OTT.

It is only now, after I have done the whole baby thing again, that I now laugh a little at my first-time-mum ways.

With Baby 2 (Flynn),:

• I stopped sterilising after about two months (oops) because I figured the germs that were on Archer’s fingers, which were always in Flynn’s mouth, were so much worse than any bacteria on an unsterilised bottle
• I think I sterilised his dummies twice…maybe three times
• Didn’t even realise it was Flynn’s first trip to the beach yet I have the first time Archer picked his nose caught on camera
• I gave him the dummy from day 1. He actually didn’t even like the dummy that much. I pretty much forced him to get used to it. It has become a saviour these days…
• Washed his clothes with all our clothes, using commercial washing powder
• I tend to leave him in the dirty clothes because changing him only leads to more dirty clothes and even more washing for me
• There were child locks on every single cupboard and drawer in the house when Archer learnt to crawl. With Flynn, his baby proofing is a firm angry whisper  “DONT. TOUCH. THAT.” and the hope he remembers for the next time.
• I have worked out it’s okay to walk out of the shop without buying any new toy or book – it is actually more than okay
• I was a lot less bothered by the mess he made when learning to eat. Flynn was given finger food a lot earlier than Archer and he was also given a bigger variety from the beginning.
• He eats both organic and non-organic foods. Sometimes he even eats stale sandwiches he finds under the couch and has been known to try a bit of dog poo here and there.
• He is 15 months old and his nursery is still not ‘finished’

 

I could go on forever. The point is, I have relaxed about a lot of things which essentially means I have more time to look after two kids. The time I spent worrying about all the things I did with baby number on was relinquished when number two came along.

Mind you, there are two things I have been extra vigilant about with both babes. The first is that if they are in the sun, they will be white from the amount of sunscreen they have on them. And number two, there must not be dirty boogies in their nose. There must never be any bats in their caves.

I wonder how poor baby number three will survive in this house. They will be eating poo dressed in their three day old stained hand-me-downs, with no shoes and mould growing on their three dummies hanging around their neck.

Is there anything you were extra vigilant about with baby one that went out the window with baby two? Love to hear from you x